Why does Denver have such shitty Chinese food?
Excellent question. Unlike many Western cities of its size, Denver does not have a historical Chinatown, or even any REALLY good, authentic Chinese restaurants. You may think this is strange, because of Denver’s history as a rail hub, and because, as we all know, plenty of Chinese immigrants worked on those railroads.
The reasons why there isn’t an established Chinese neighborhood in, and why Chinese food sucks in Denver? Racism, and a lack of ladies.
In the 1860s and 70s, there was a Chinatown by what is now the area near Coors Field. In the Wild West days, the area was known as “Hop Alley” due to its high density of opium dens. Denver didn’t draw families of immigrants like San Francisco did. It attracted single men, or men with families still in China. So, there were few “family businesses” and even fewer second-generation Chinese to establish themselves in the community.
According to legend, local Madam Lizzie Preston armed her girls with high heel shoes and liquor bottles against the white rioters and protected several Chinese immigrants in her brothel.
In 1880, violent race riots resulted in lynchings in Chinatown. Though a handful of Chinese immigrants stuck around, the population experienced decline beginning with the riots and continuing through the early 20th century. By 1940, Hop Alley was bulldozed for redevelopment and most of the few remaining Chinese citizens relocated to West Denver (South Federal area). You can find some decent Chinese food down there, but the Vietnamese food is WAY better. Pick a Pho place with a number that means something to you… it’s like takeout roulette!
When you do order “Chinese” in Denver, you’ll notice that almost every menu features Thai or Vietnamese food as well. This is because the restaurants are likely owned by Southeast Asians, who throw Americanized favorites like General Tso on there to attract a broader customer base. My advice: stick to the Pad Thai and save anything Szechuan for when you’re back home or visting LA, San Francisco or Chicago. It’s just not worth it.
OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY SKIN/HAIR/NAILS?!
Hi, and welcome to the high desert!
Oh… you didn’t know that Colorado was a desert? You were going on the climatological education you got from every John Denver Muppets Christmas special and thought that Colorado would be like Norway?
Sorry, no.
Well… let me reiterate. Welcome to the DESERT.
Denver was established due to the confluence of two bodies of water: the Cherry Creek and South Platte rivers. This was valuable to settlers because the rest of Colorado is very, very dry. In fact, there wasn’t even any real cultivation of most of Colorado’s Eastern plains until the advent of mechanized irrigation… it was too dry to grow anything until they could use a sprinkler system of some kind.
So yeah. Denver’s really fucking dry. If you come from virtually anyplace else in this country to live here, get use to the realities of lip balm, moisturizers and exfoliation. Also, consider this the answer to the other FAQ: “Why doesn’t it stay snowy here all winter long?” and “Why are the mountains still so far away?” I’m sorry to tell you, but you’ve been mislead. Take it up with John Denver.
What is that horrible smell?
Well, that depends. Is it cold out? Do you think it’s about to snow? Does the sky have that heavy, gray, foreboding look to it like something out of Mordor?
Then what you’re smelling is probably Greeley, a city to the Northeast that happens to be where almost every cow you’ve ever eaten has probably come from. No, really. And when it smells like Greeley, it means the wind is coming from the cold North, which means we’re in for a snowstorm. When I was a kid, I kind of just thought that snow in Colorado just smelled like cow shit. And then I’d wish we still lived in Minneapolis, where snow smelled like snow, or Albuquerque, where snow smelled like A DAY OFF SCHOOL BECAUSE NOBODY IN ABQ CAN HANDLE SNOW, BITCHES!
If you’re smelling something a bit more like processed meat and grain, it’s probably the Purina smell. The Land O Lakes/Purina plant in Commerce City makes animal feed and dog food. So, lucky you, you get to smell that cattle feed coming AND going here in D-Town! This usually coincides with a cooling in the weather, too, since that plant is a bit to the North of the city, too.
If you’re downtown, near where the financial district fades into Five Points, that horrible smell might also be the stables where the staging areas where carriage ride operators park the trailers for their horses for the 16th St. carriage rides. I actually don’t mind that smell as much.
You’re from here. Why don’t you ski/snowboard/mountain bike/hike/climb mountains/rock-climb/kayak?
Look, the mountains are great, but there’s a big difference between those of us who are here by no real choice of our own and those who decided to sell everything they own and move here from New York, Texas, California and Iowa. You came here because mountains. There’s nothing wrong with that. And yeah, lots of us who grew up here still like to do mountainy stuff. But we didn’t choose to come here for that, it’s just what’s always been around. And for people like me, who decided that the cartilage in their kneecaps was better than sweet, sweet air off of a half-pipe, we just enjoy the mountains in different ways. Like, from a patio. With a cocktail. So lay off.
Why can’t I find a boyfriend/girlfriend in Denver?
Well, sweetie, look at the previous answer. Because mountains. People don’t move to Denver to find a life partner or to realize ambitious career goals. They move here to ski, snowboard, mountain bike, skateboard, jump off of things or out of things and otherwise defer responsibility for as long as possible. Don’t expect your chances to improve much when Amendment 64 comes into full effect, either.
Hey, ladies.
I’m not saying that all transplants in Denver are stoner slackers who don’t have jobs. But I am willing to bet our stoner/slacker population is only rivaled by Portland and Austin. A dating top tip: remove “outdoorsy” from your online profile and if you’re lucky, you’ll snag a native.
Why am I so drunk right now?
Altitude, baby! Don’t worry, when you get used to it, you’ll be a CHAMP back home.
Any other questions? Ask away in the comments.
That.was.awesome!
Great article! I’m a Denver native and knew the reasons behind everything except the Chinese food thing. #themoreyouknow
Yes, the Chinese food blows here, and so does the Italian. There’s zero, repeat zero evidence that altitude affects your ability to get drunk faster. Read the FAA study.
Then why did I go to sea level several months ago and drink quadruple what I can normally drink in Denver?
My observations/personal experience have shown that altitude makes flatlanders drunker in Denver and Coloradans impressive drinkers when they’re out of their element… though the hangovers I get from drinking so much MORE at sea level are something to be reckoned with.
I did see the FAA study… but I’m not sure I buy it. I would think it takes longer than the study’s observation time for blood O2 levels to change enough to make a difference, but then, I’m a drunk, not a scientist. I just see what I see…
Yes! Thank you for this! People really don’t believe me when I tell them that depending on the weather, you can smell the dead cows from Greeley, and that the snow really doesn’t stick around here, and that the altitude makes you a lightweight if you’re used to drinking at sea-level, among all these other things. This was a fantastic read; I loved it!
In Denver since the 90s, thought it was cattle stench from the northern ranches…BUT someone educated me (only if they were right) that the smell is from PIG farms. Hmmm. I’ll check again.
Single for 3 years and enjoy the choices and meeting many ladies. If you (guy) believe it’s ‘Men-ver’ you are hanging out in the wrong places.
Have fun, visit or stay, many are here for a vibrant work/life balance.
And we are taxing the pot. Among smarter moves, the local and state govs are healthier than many other States. Shh… NORAD is here too but we aren’t sure if thats good or not.
http://www.factoryfarmmap.org/map/
There are hog farms in Colorado, but the bigger factory farms are definitely cattle. I went to college in Iowa, and I can tell you that’s a whole different stench.
I have one: why do people around here make up pronunciation for all the foreign-named towns? E.g., “What? Sa-LEE-da? No, it’s Sa-LYE-da! You’re not from around here are you?”
To other Coloradoans, you sound like an insider that’s “in the know.” To anyone else in the country/world, you sound like a high country dumbfuck that’s never heard of something called Spanish.
My favorite: Ga-la-PAY-go street. I think it has to do with the fact that the Spanish originally settled much of the West but pioneers and miners with no Spanish background wound up staying. So place names were eventually mangled by settlers from Appalachia, the East Coast and the South.
Food for thought…. “If you’re downtown, near where the financial district fades into Five Points, that horrible smell might also be the stables where the horses for the 16th St. carriage rides are. I actually don’t mind that smell as much.”
That smell you don’t mind as much is actually from the shelters and the hundreds of homeless that hang out there. There are no stables for the carriages downtown.
Ok, this was making me crazy, because I do know the difference between bum smell and horse smell. It turns out that, no, the horses are not stabled at 22nd and Welton (where this smell is found) but this is where the carriage operators park their trailers and have a staging area for the rides. So, there you go.